Driving in Gangsta Paradise: Gauteng Edition

For the uninitiated, Gauteng is South Africa’s smallest but busiest province — home to Johannesburg, Pretoria, and more traffic drama than a whole season of Fast & Furious. It’s the country’s economic engine, where people hustle hard, roads are always full, and driving is less about getting somewhere and more about surviving the ride.

This experiences are part of our 150 days in South Africa where we are meeting the greatest people, and driving through the best and worst parts of South Africa.

Welcome to Gauteng, where the traffic lights are called robots but most of them have already been kidnapped, the potholes have their own ecosystems, and the rules of the road are more like vague lifestyle suggestions. Driving here isn’t so much about getting from A to B — it’s about surviving an obstacle course designed by a committee of pranksters or gangsters with a dark sense of humor.

Here, your driver’s license isn’t proof you passed a test — it’s proof you’ve mastered the fine art of dodging potholes, negotiating with traffic cops, and doing the kind of evasive maneuvers that would make a stunt driver break into applause. And if you think your car insurance premium is high, just wait until you add the optional cover for “smash-and-grab at the traffic light that no longer exists.”

Most of the photos in this blog were taken through a car window while moving, not a great photography technique, but at least it makes you feel saver for a moment.

“Road Rules, Gauteng Style”

Below the driving manual that nobody ever gave you.

1. Stop Signs Are Optional (Apparently)

In Gauteng, a stop sign isn’t a command — it’s a personality test. Fail it, and the guy behind you hoots like crazy. That is to say if the sign is still in place, and you are not reacting to the faded words painted on the street.

“Here, the only thing that actually stops at a stop sign is your faith in humanity.”

2. The Case of the Stolen Robots 

Robots are traffic lights for those that missed it at the top. When you ask for directions someone might say. Drive to the 3^rd robot, turn left, and then your destination is just there.

Johan and I were traveling between Springs and Boksburg when Johan stopped. Why do you stop, I asked? Because there is a robot he replied? Where? There were no visible metal structures holding up lights. Some people that know it is a busy intersection still stop.

Or as Han Solo from Starwars would say: “Shut them all down! Hurry!”…except in Gauteng, it seems someone already has.

In Gauteng robots don’t just break — they get stolen. Honestly, I’m convinced there’s a black market where robots are sold in bulk, right between knockoff sneakers and secondhand hubcaps. 

“Forget traffic control — Gauteng is running a free-for-all experiment in chaos theory.”

3. Potholes: Gauteng’s Natural Heritage

Gautent don’t have potholes. They have portals. You drive in with a Toyota and come out with a donkey cart. 

Forget lions and rhinos — the real wild animals in Gauteng live under your tyres. Our potholes aren’t small cracks in the road; they’re geological features. Some are so deep you half expect to find a family of warthogs living in them. 

Drivers here don’t change lanes, they zigzag like professional rally racers. Passengers, meanwhile, hold on for dear life, white-knuckled and praying the seatbelt was properly installed. Suspension systems collapse faster than Eskom’s grid, and if your wheel survives a year in Johannesburg, it deserves its own long-service medal. Speeding is not a problem. There was a point where Johan and I had to drive 2 km on a dirt road in Benoni, with so many potholes that we were lucky if we reached 10 mph. The grandkids can walk faster than we were driving on that potted road.

But behind the comedy is the danger: these potholes wreck cars daily, cause blowouts, send drivers swerving into oncoming traffic, and turn a simple trip to the shops into a game of Russian roulette. They’re not just an inconvenience — they’re a serious hazard to both car and passenger. Add to that the fear of being mugged while stranded and you have a whole new level of stress added to the much anticipated cup of coffee with a friend.

“In Gauteng, your biggest accident risk isn’t speeding — it’s being swallowed whole by a road.”

4. The Police “Fundraising Drive”

Being pulled over here is less about safety and more about… community donations. The conversation usually goes like this:
Officer: “Good evening, sir. You know why I stopped you?”
You: “Because I didn’t contribute to the coffee fund yet?”

or another one…officer: “how much can you afford?”, then the experienced South African pulls out their second wallet (the one with only smaller change), and says a hundred rand. Which equates to about $8. Thats not a lot, but the issue is that the traffic police cannot be trusted. They even pull you over for not stopping at a stop sign, even if the sign is not there, or if nobody else stops there.

“In Gauteng, bribes aren’t cash transfers. They’re toll fees with no receipts.”

5. Smash-and-Grab: The Original Drive-Thru Service

For the uninitiated, a “smash-and-grab” is when criminals target cars stopped at traffic lights. They smash your window, grab whatever they can reach — phones, handbags, laptops, even your half-eaten Steers chips/fries — and vanish before you’ve finished saying “insurance claim.” It happens so fast you wonder if these guys moonlight as Olympic sprinters.

That’s why every Gauteng driver has developed a unique routine: windows up, doors locked, valuables hidden, and phones tucked somewhere between your thigh and the handbrake. Some even carry a decoy handbag filled with old receipts and stale NikNaks, ready to sacrifice at the first sign of trouble.

Naturally the insurance companies also needs to make money from this, and you can buy “smash and grab insurance.” It is even advertised on the tv. So instead of catching the criminals, we just put another system in place to support this bad habits.

“In Joburg, the only safe handbag is the one you forgot at home.”

6. Defensive Driving, Gauteng Style

Driving here is basically Mario Kart but with more paperwork.

Defensive driving in Gauteng is less about obeying the law and more about developing the reflexes of a ninja.

• Pothole Dodgeball: Swerve left, right, or diagonally, all while pretending you’re still in your lane. Bonus points if your coffee survives the maneuver.
• Red Light Roulette: Approach every robot with suspicion — is it working? Is it stolen? Is it a smash-and-grab hotspot? Or is it just there to keep you guessing?
• Taxi Tetris: No matter where you are, a minibus taxi will appear out of thin air, squeeze into a space that doesn’t exist, and stop dead in front of you to pick up passengers. Survival means predicting the impossible.
• Bribe Negotiations 101: Learn how to maintain eye contact with the officer while casually reaching for your wallet — but do it with enough hesitation to look “innocent.”
• Pedestrian Frogger: In Gauteng, crosswalks are optional. People cross wherever they like, forcing you into a high-stakes arcade game.

If you can survive Gauteng traffic, Formula 1 isn’t a step up — it’s just advanced carpooling.

7. The Unsung Hero: The Navigator

Johan never talks about a navigator, but a “nagi”gator, with the focus on the nagging. But here his opinion of this job has changed. The job description now is more that providing backup instructions for your gps map app.

In Gauteng, the navigator isn’t there to find the shortest route — they’re your co-pilot in survival. Their job description includes:

• Yelling “POTHOLE!” like they’re spotting whales from a ship.
• Tilting the phone so the GPS can’t be seen by smash-and-grab artists.
• Acting like they’re in Mission Impossible as they whisper: “Okay, at the next robot (if it still exists), pretend you’re lost so the guy selling selfie sticks doesn’t know you’re actually lost.”
• Looking in all the mirrors and complete awareness of your surroundings. The army would have said, “keep your head on the swivel.”
• Do predictive analysis, and extreme people watching, and decide if they might be smash and grabbers. You celebrate when people that cross your road, or stand in the corner were innocent bystanders.

“Here, the navigator isn’t a map reader — they’re a bodyguard with Google Maps.”

8. Changes to Google

Like most travelers we do our homework, and know which areas to avoid. So if I see Tembisa on the map, I know I don’t want to go through that area, but around it. It is no different than saying you want to avoid Downtown or Skid Row in LA. But there is what Google Maps or other map apps don’t give you. It is the spots in “safe neighborhoods,” that are hot spots for “grab and go.” So for those entrepreneurial folks reading it. Here is a business opportunity.

“Google Maps should add a feature: ‘Shortest route’ or ‘Route where your shocks survive’.”

9. Parking: The Biometric Trust Exercise

In South Africa, parking lots don’t just give you a ticket — they scan your number plate and then ask you to wave your hand like you’re auditioning for Miss Universe. That little wave links your fingerprints to your car, meaning only the same person who brought it in can take it out. It’s less “welcome to the mall” and more “welcome to CSI: Pretoria.” Forget witness protection — a quick stop at Woolies suddenly feels like you’ve signed up for a full biometric background check.

“Here, you don’t just park your car, you marry it with fingerprints.”

10. The Parking Guard Hustle

Of course, no parking experience is complete without the “security guard” in a reflective vest. These guys pop up the moment you slow down, waving you into a bay like they’re landing a Boeing. Once you’ve parked, they vanish into thin air — only to reappear when you return, expecting a tip for “keeping your car safe.” The reality? Your car would’ve been in exactly the same state had they been home watching Kaizer Chiefs. But in Gauteng, tipping the parking guard is an unspoken law. Skip it, and you’ll drive off feeling like you just cursed yourself with seven years of flat tyres.

“It’s less car security, more subscription service with no unsubscribe button.”

Conclusion

Driving in Gauteng may feel like living in Gangsta Paradise, but it’s also a reminder of the resilience (and stubborn optimism) of its people. Every pothole dodged, every bribe side-stepped, every smash-and-grab survived is proof that the South African drivers here operate with equal parts courage, creativity, and caffeine. It’s not pretty, it’s not easy, and it’s definitely not in the driver’s manual — but it is uniquely Gauteng. And if you can laugh through the madness, navigate the chaos, and still make it to your destination in one piece, you’ve earned your stripes as a true Gauteng driver.